Twenty years from now you will be more dissapointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover

Thursday, February 25, 2010

just me.

So, it's official. I'm homesick. I miss my job, my friends, and my family. I miss the poutines, the cookies, and the late night earls wine binges. I miss the skinny, carefree, boy crazy girl that I used to be. I miss my hands not bleeding every single day, and I miss not having to take such good care of myself in order to survive. I miss the hugs, the reassurance, and all of the love. But most of all, I miss how terribly simple life used to be.

I feel like the only thing that ever concerns me anymore is the number that pops up on my hemo-monitor. I find myself consumed with this disease that has seemingly taken over my life, maybe because everyone around me seems to be consumed by it as well. My doctor prescribes drugs, my dietitian outines a terribly bland diet and exercise plan for me to follow, my parents are a fountain of inquisition, and my friends are constantly keeping an eye on me and enforcing this newly necessary healthy lifestyle. I feel weird eating around people now, I feel like everyone is constantly watching me, and often get my food to go. I consume "treats" (which could be something as simple as a granola bar) in private, because I know I shouldn't be having them... Life has changed so quickly and so drastically that I often have to remind myself to stay grounded and not let all of this madness overshadow the exuberant, fun-loving girl that I want to continue to be.

I cry a lot more now, I'm not sure whether it is due to being overwhelmed, scared, sad, angry, dissapointed, or a combination of these. The inner turmoil that I experience on the daily confuses me. On one hand, yes this disease has changed my life forever, in many negative ways, but I tell myself that on the other hand, it could be much worse; I could have been given a death sentence, told that I had a year to live, or lost a limb. I have learned that what may appear as a disaster can turn out to be a blessing in disguise. I say this because I feel that my recent diagnosis has brought my family closer than ever before. After a couple of tough years, it may have been just what we needed. I feel that although we're an ocean apart, we are more committed to eachother than we have been for a long long time. I'll sacrifice my beloved treats for that any day.

My emotional state in a nutshell... A little heavier than expected, but nonetheless true. Things are going to start looking up =)

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